See me
by Kimmimaru
Summary: James survived, but he lost everything...well, almost... Slash, JP/SB. AU. There is NO Happy Ending


**A/N; Another tragic James/Sirius. James survived, but he lost everything...well, almost...**

See me...

Twenty one years old is too young to have lost the things he did. Twenty one was simply too young to see that kind of grief on his face...twenty one was too young to know what he knows. But then...Twenty one is too old to still be wishing he would look at you...

I would laugh if it wasn't so fucking sad. I would laugh if James wasn't standing in the rain, the tears hidden in the water falling from the sky...I would laugh if he wasn't the only person in the world who I loved.

"Please...Sirius...I..."

He's asking me for something, I should have listened. "James?" I asked, unable to hide the quaver in my voice as I take a nervous step towards him. He holds out his arm, preventing me from coming closer and he meets my gaze...and once again I'm begging, no...I'm _screaming_ at him, silently screaming at him to just _LOOK AT ME_! Look at me and see me! _Really look_! Merlin, Please, _please _look at me! But he doesn't hear me...

"I only wanted..." He bites his lip and takes a shuddery breath that sounds too much like a sob. It's been two days since I found him kneeling in that room, clutching the corpse of his dead wife and screaming...I had never heard anything so fucking awful in my life, and I could do nothing but stand at the entrance of the room and watch as he cried. "She's gone...isn't she?" He croaks, his hazel eyes searching my face as if I could tell him no, as if I could bring her back...and I'm asking myself once again if I had that power...would I? I don't even want to know the answer.

"James...just come back inside, Harry..."

He cuts me off. "Harry's fine...Harry's...Alive..." He turns his back, wrapping his arms around himself and I want to go to him and comfort him but I can't...I can't because I never learned compassion, not really. "Sirius...I want to die." His voice cuts me like a sword, knocking the breath from me and never, in all my life have I wanted to smack him harder than I did in that moment.

"You fucking useless bastard!" I hiss, it's hardly disguised by the rain. "If you die, what's Harry going to think? If you die what will I..." I can't say it. I've always been a coward...

"Harry's got you and Remus and Dumbledore..." James whispers.

I want to grab him, I want to shake him so his glasses fall off...I want to slap him around the face and scream; _what would I do without you?_ "For an intelligent man, Potter, you can be fucking retarded..." I say instead, because the truth would kill us both...

"Sirius...stop." James replies, ignoring the strain in my voice. I'm cold, it's always fucking cold these days, even knowing that the Dark Lord is gone won't warm me any more...I've forgotten what it was like to know heat. "I-I...I want to be alone..."

"No." I'm stubborn, we both know it's useless. We both know I'll stand with him under that freezing rain until hell freezes over and my legs won't hold me up...we both know I will die at his side. "I'll stay." My voice comes out harsher than I intend, I don't want to hurt him anymore...but I suppose that could be considered impossible after watching his wife murdered.

"Then stay." James replies, his voice empty and cold and it's like a dagger through my heart...but I bite down on my lower lip and hide my face behind my sopping wet hair. "And don't say a fucking word."

I nod. I will do as he said...because there's nothing left anymore, not for him. His light's been ripped from him and all he's got is the darkness, and I want to welcome him with open arms...if I could I would replace that light...but that's ridiculous. I'm about as light as Peruvian Instant Darkness powder.

So we stand there. It's dark, and there's no sign of the moon or the stars, only roiling clouds and wet, cold pissing rain. I'm shivering but it's not from the cold, I'm shivering because I can't hold myself up anymore. All these long years and I have been forced into the shadows, forced to gaze at him from a distance, behind the barrier of friends and social fucking propriety...because two blokes couldn't have a relationship, it's simply not done, especially in the wizarding world. I have loved him since the first moment he smiled at me, in that small compartment on the train to Hogwarts...the day when he showed me the path to freedom, only to bind me in chains heavier than lead with those glittering eyes and that wonderfully messy hair...

Would it be inappropriate to go to him and pull him to me? Would it be a step too far to kiss him? I want to feel his wet hair in my fingers, I want to feel his tongue in my mouth...I want to know what he tastes like...are these feelings weird? They're demented. They're disgusting...then why have I never taken a lover? I think the truth is a more deadly weapon than the Killing Curse, I am full of so many, many terrible secrets...secrets I want him to know, secrets that are slowly but surely killing me and I want to take his shoulders and _scream_ them at him! I want him to know! But he never will.

Finally as the rain slackens, he turns to me and nods and we walk slowly back to my bike, my sodden leathers creaking and chafing against my skin, but it's alright...everything's fine as long as James can heal. If I could I would go beyond the veil and drag Lily back from death simply to see him smile again, if I could I would exchange our lives in an instant as long as he could know happiness...but not even I have that power. I swing my leg over my bike, James climbs on behind me and I have to bite hard on my lip as his arms cling to me, his touch makes me tremble, but I ignore it as I rev the engine and we fly off into the night...

Twenty two is too young to be sitting in a room trying to calm a sobbing child, Twenty two is far too young to be changing nappies, feeding babies and rocking cribs...Twenty two is too young to be looking so tired...

But then Twenty two is too damned old to be watching your best friend and wishing, wishing and fucking _wishing_ everything would just stop! Twenty two is far too old to be imagining what your best friend's lips feel like, what his hands would feel like stuffed into your jeans...it's too fucking old to be thinking of him while some random nobody fucks you into an old, dusty mattress...

"_Jaaamesss..._" It comes out through clenched teeth, as Mr. _Name-doesn't-fucking-matter_ snaps his hips forward and hits that magical spot inside me and I'm coming...coming so fucking hard it hurts as I imagine James' face...and it's all I can see, even with my eyes open and staring up into a face I don't recognise...

And then it's over and he pulls out of me, making me shiver in the cold bedroom as air hits my sweaty skin. I lie still hearing him moving about in the darkness as I pant and try to regain my senses, before I know it he's back...fingers sliding into my hair, hot, wet lips pressed against mine. He tastes like tobacco and whiskey and my own come but I kiss back, wondering yet again what James would taste like. Then he's gone again, standing naked by the open window of the Muggle Hotel room and smoking. After a moment I wrap the sheet around me and stand, making my way towards him, I lean close, snatching his cigarette and taking a long, slow toke before handing it back as I blow the acrid smoke back into the cold wintery air.

"So, you gunna tell me your name?" Mr. _Name-doesn't-fucking-matter_ asks.

I shrug and lean against the sill. "No. You don't need to know." I reply roughly.

"Fair enough." And he flicks the butt of the Cigarette out the window and stares at me for a long moment, "You know, you're pretty nice looking for a whore...what are you after, if not my money?"

"A cheap fuck." I reply, gazing into eyes that are the wrong colour, the wrong shape...

"I see. Well, I might see you around." He changes and leaves.

I'm alone again, so I change and pick up my bag and leave. I climb on my Bike and return to James' side, to watch and hurt and let him tear my heart and soul to shreds as he tries to be a grown up and a father and I smile and encourage, I help him with Harry as best I can, but I'm a pathetic excuse for a Godfather...He should have chosen Remus.

I watch James as Harry grows and I sit in the shadows and I can't show him how much all this is killing me, I can't be the man he wants me to be...because all my bravado, all my confidence is just a shell, a shell that is too easily broken. I find myself screaming at him again and again, screaming until I'm dizzy, but he can't hear me. He won't even fucking look at me...

The cold air bites at my exposed hands as I run through the snowy streets, the letter crumpled in one hand as I skid to a halt around a corner. The door is straight ahead and I run as fast as my legs will take me before slamming open the gate and hammering on the door, my eyes dart from side to side until it opens to reveal light and warmth, a warmth that doesn't touch me. James stands there, looking sleepy and confused as I step inside and slam the door closed behind me, his eyes are fuzzy and his hair sticks up all over the place and yet I have never wanted to kiss him more...but I have to stop those thoughts, that's not why I'm here. "Here." I say, shoving the parchment into his hand and striding through his house, trailing the damp behind me from my boots. I shed my cloak and let it fall onto the sofa as I rummage through his cupboards and withdraw a bottle of firewhisky. I take the cork in my teeth and tear it out before taking a long swig, it sears my throat and tricks my body into feeling warm. I watch James read the letter. I watch those eyes darken and harden and I feel my cock twitch, because even when he's furious he looks so damned good I want nothing more than to have him shove me into a wall and fuck me until I'm screaming...

"Let's go." He says in a hard voice as he moves into the living room. I follow.

"Wait, James...you can't leave Harry alone..."

James pauses. "Shit." He hisses softly. "We'll have to take him with us."

"That's insane! He's three years old, James! You can't make a three year old..."

"Daddy?"

We both turn to see him, the little boy with James' face and Lily's eyes. "Harry..." James says, pushing past me and kneeling before his son, stroking hair from his face and smiling in a way that shatters my heart. "What are you doing awake? You should be in bed..."

"But the monsters will get me..." He whispers, eyes huge in his face and I see the fear there. "The big bad monster with the red eyes will get me...he says so...a-and he makes the green light..."

I watch James' face crumple and watch as he takes a deep breath, dragging his little son into his arms. "Nothing will hurt you. I promise you, I won't ever, ever let anything hurt you ever again! I swear it!"

I feel sick so I turn away and close my eyes, taking another swig from the bottle. I have no choice but to listen to James whisper sweet things to his son as he fights the seemingly never ending tears...I should have tried to say something but I've always been useless with words.

"Y-You promise? You won't let the bad man get me?"

"I p-promise, Harry." James mutters, his voice so gentle and loving and kind that I want to walk out...but I can't because there's work to do. Bloody work.

"James." I warn softly, not able to turn back around and see the two together...because it would make me think of the bitch who stole him from me.

"Alright Sirius...just...give me a minute!" James snaps.

"We don't have a minute! Every second we're here the traitor slips through our fingers! They won't hold him for long!" I feel the irritation flare within me and bite back my curses.

"Where are you going?" Harry asks, green eyes glued to me, and I can see her in them...and it hurts so I have to look away.

"We're not leaving you alone, don't worry Harry...Come on, we're going out."

"James! You can't take him...!" I gaze at my best friend with wide eyes.

"What do you expect me to do? Leave him here? Sirius, we're not kids anymore! I've got responsibilities, _family_, unlike you!" That hurts. That hurts worse than anything he has ever said to me...and I stare at him, unable to form words so I look like a fish out of water. My insides go cold and my heart stutters in my chest. James' eyes soften. "Sirius...I'm sorry...that-that came out wrong I..." He tries to touch me but I move back, my robes dragging across the carpet as I gape stupidly at him.

"No...no you're right." I find myself saying, despising every word that comes out of my mouth and wishing to Merlin, to every god that has ever existed that I could stop speaking...but its impossible to stop now. "You're right, Potter...I _don't_ have any family." I hate the way my voice sounds, broken and cracked as I feel the breath hitch in my lungs, I move away again as he tries to take my shoulders. I don't want him to touch me. "I gave up my family...I gave up everything...I gave it all up for..." I laugh bitterly and run fingers through my damp, snow covered hair. "What does it matter anymore...I'm leaving." I can't even look at him, half of me wants him to stop me...I want him to grab me, hold me back from walking out the door because I know, I know I'll never come back...

"Sirius..."

I stop. That single word, spoken so softly and filled with emotion but I can't turn around. "You're a fucking bastard." I find myself saying, my words coming out choked as I fight the urge to cry. I want to cry...I want to hit him...I want cry while hitting him. Why won't he understand? Why is he so fucking stupid? "I hate you." It comes out before I can stop it, the sound of my grief makes him take a sharp breath. "I hate you but...but I..." I sigh heavily and close my eyes. "It doesn't matter...do what you want...you always do." And with that I'm gone into the flurry of snow and bitter cold.

"Sirius! Sirius wait!"

A hand grabs me and spins me around, rough fingers clenching in my robes as I'm forced to look into his eyes. "James...Stop...let me go!" I try and struggle free but he doesn't release me, he just looks into my eyes and I feel a terrible sickening jolt in my stomach and before I can stop myself, before I can pause to regret it I'm kissing him...and it's like there's fire in my veins, I'm being filled with an exquisite light as I wrap my arms around him, holding him close. It doesn't even matter if he's not responding...nothing matters because he tastes like peppermint. My fingers are in his hair, our lips pressed together and I'm cold and wet and uncomfortable...but none of that fucking matters because its him! It's _his_ body pulled close to mine, it's _his _soft breath against my face, and it's _his_ hands on my arms...Finally I have to pull away, I do so slowly, letting my eyes open and finally look into his face. "James..." It escapes as a whisper, full of everything I had never told him, full of all my fury, my hatred and my absolute devotion. But...

"Sirius...what in Merlin's name is this?"

I feel my heart stop, my eyes widen and I step away, I feel trapped...I can't escape the prison of his eyes as I try to find an escape route. Nothing. I'm trapped. Trapped by my own stupidity and recklessness...yet again. "I-I..." I even _sound_ pathetic. "Shit..." I step back again, his hazel eyes drawing me back every time my own try to flee. "No...I...It's nothing...forget...I have to go..." I turn, but he's there. I can't escape. I feel my body shivering in a cold I don't feel. His hands are damp from snow as he holds me still. I can't breathe. I can't think. So when he slams me roughly into a wall, when he presses himself close and grabs a handful of my hair I can only make an odd sound in the back of my throat as he pushes his tongue into my mouth. And that heat's back...It's back with a vengeance and It's all I can feel. My world is filled with him, his scent, his body, his harsh fingers and his hot breath.

"Never, ever lie to me." James hisses, his hands holding me still. "Never keep secrets, not from me."

"James." It's all I can say...because when I look into his eyes I realise with a sudden jolt, that finally, finally, _fucking finally_ he's looking at me! He's _seeing_ me. And for once in my life I don't actually mind the snow, or the cold...for once in my life the dark doesn't scare me...because he's looking at me and it hurts, its tearing me up inside, but it's so bloody wonderful that I want it never to stop...

Then he's kissing me again. His tongue is fire, it drives all thought from me. I'm useless as he slides his hands down to my hips and drags me closer, his body shaking as fingers grab my hair, my robes, anywhere he can reach and it leaves me gasping and panting and the taste of Peppermints is clinging to my lips, I can smell him; cinnamon and baby shampoo and soap and fresh air...and before I know what is happening I'm lying on my back in the snow, my robes crumpled around my waist and his hot hand is covering my mouth as he fucks me. I can't speak, its agony, but its good...the pain is sharp and burning but It means I'm alive and I don't care because its James...James is creating the bruises on my wrists as he pins them above my head, James is making me cry out, James is the one biting at my throat and making me gasp and pant heavily. It's his cock inside me, it's his body. It's him. It's him. It's _him_!

It only takes a few hard, fast and brutal thrusts before I'm coming...a blinding white orgasm that destroys my precarious sanity, I gasp his name, the only thing I can remember, the only thing that matters as heat, pain and an overwhelming pleasure hits me with enough force to knock the breath from me...

When James comes he doesn't look at me. When he comes he closes his eyes and bites down on his lip. When we're done he releases me and pulls away, it feels like we've been outside for hours but it's been minutes and James does himself back up and turns his back, his body shaking slightly as he leaves me lying in the snow covered in his scent...

It takes me a full minute to realise I'm actually crying, because I'm so cold I can't even feel my own tears, but finally I sit up and rearrange my robes before stumbling from the silent Alley and returning to James' house where he is gathering Harry's stuff together. We don't look at each other, we don't speak. He knows everything now...and he knows I'll never leave him.

The house is dark except for the few candles still lit, we move through the hallway and hear muttering. As we step into the living room I see Remus, his eyes widen and he stands, moving towards us. "What took you so long?" He whispers. "We've been waiting..." His sharp brown eyes take in my wet and bedraggled appearance and I know he can smell what happened, he steps back, an odd look in his eyes as he gazes at me. "I don't even think I want to know." He mutters before turning his back. "You two are fools."

James hides his face from me, we avoid each other's eyes and move further into the room. There is Dumbledore, looking grave as he looks us over and beside him is Mad-Eye, it's the old crowd...but much lessened. The casualties of war...the lives lost and the friends who died. I can see it in their eyes. But I don't care. I move to stand before Dumbledore. "Where is the disgusting little traitor?" I hiss, hardly able to contain my fury.

"In the cellar, Sirius..." I turn away but a soft hand rests on my shoulder, holding me in place. "Wait. I would suggest that some of us go with you and James..."

"No, Dumbledore." James say's his voice cold and hard. "I will go alone."

"James, that is a monumentally stupid idea!" Albus says in a shocked voice.

James simply turned away. "Sirius, Remus, come." He snapped and of course, like the good dog I am, I can't refuse an order. Remus follows.

The cellar is dark, with only a single candle to light our way. We move down the rickety old stairs and reach the bottom, James lights his wand and lifts it high above his head I turn and close the door with a wave of my own wand, causing it to slam with an almost awful finality. Together the three of us find a small bundle of rags lying against the wall, James stops before it and crouches, poking it with his wand, Remus and I flank him. "Oi! Wormtail, wake up!" James demands, his voice colder than I had ever heard it.

"Huh?" Wormtail jerks awake and when those watery blue eyes land on us he squeaks in terror and backs away, unable to go anywhere. "O-oh...J-James...I-I..."

"Shut up!" James snaps, eyes narrowed behind his glasses. I can feel Remus clenching his fists at his sides but he gives away nothing of his emotions, a mask we all learnt to wear during the war. "Now then..." James settles himself onto the floor and crosses his legs, gazing at Wormtail with dark eyes full of rage. "I would like you to explain to us what..." he swallowed, seeming to have difficulty speaking through his fury. "What you were thinking when...when you told them? Why...? Why did you...?" He bit down on his lip and I sat beside him.

"You don't have to do this, James." I whisper softly. "I offered to do it...It should be me..."

"No!" James shouts suddenly, making me jump and causing sparks to fly from the tip of his wand, he thrusts it into Wormtail's face. "No! I want to be the one to end his pathetic life! I want to avenge her!" His eyes burned in his thin face, his hands shaking violently.

"I understand." I reply, lowering my head. "I thought..."

"You thought what? That you could ease your own fucking guilt by murdering the useless little fuck for me?"

I flinch. I knew he wouldn't forgive me...no matter how many times he told me he had. "I'm sorry...James..."

"Shut up! Your cowardice is as bad as his!" James seemed to be fighting with himself, he obviously had been holding all this in...

I stood slowly. "Then kill me too." I croak. "I'm a coward! I admit it! My family were fucking right...they always were! I couldn't trust myself...I-I was afraid...so I made you take this piece of shit instead...It's my fault she's dead!"

James shook his head. "No. No...It's _his_ fault." He waved his hand at Peter, making him squeak. "Mostly..."

I stepped back again, swallowing hard and closing my eyes. "I'm sorry." My heart hurt. I ached. I hated myself. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." I repeated it...but no matter how many times I spoke, I knew he would never forgive me entirely.

"Shut up, Padfoot." James whispers returning to his prisoner. He lifted his wand. "Death is too easy for the likes of you, Pettigrew." He said slowly. "But, you're still a threat to my son and I'm going to have to send you to the afterlife so Lily can have her revenge...I hope you will always remember what you did, you pathetic, lying, cowardly little _worm_! I trusted you! We fucking _trusted you_! A-And you...you..." He seemed to run out of words. Wormtail was shivering and shaking in a corner, his hands over his head and he looked pathetic, yet I felt no sympathy for him. "Now I'm going to kill you...I'm going to make sure the last thing you ever see is my face. Traitor."

Before James could speak the words the door slammed open and he was pushed backwards by a powerful magical barrier. I gasped slightly, my head snapped to the side and I saw Dumbledore stood at the top of the stairs looking sad and slightly angry. "I think it would be best if we let the Dementors have him, James."

"No!" James screamed, jumping to his feet. "No! He-he...Because of him...all his fault...Albus..."

"Calm yourself, dear boy...murder does not justify murder. You cannot bring Lily back with his death."

"No, but it'll make me feel better." James snaps, his eyes so dark they appear black. He turned to Wormtail who was now sobbing, I couldn't stop the sneer from crossing my face. He was pathetic, and my disdain for him was tenfold because he had hurt James...he had nearly destroyed him. While James and Dumbledore argue I lift my own wand, the barrier separated James from Wormtail but not me...I was within range...all it would take were two words...bright green flash and he would be dead...

My mouth is dry. My heart beat erratic, but I lift my wand. I had to do it...I had to help James...I had to be able to make him smile again! Wormtail was watching me, his eyes slowly widening as he realised what I was going to do, the curse slipped past my lips, my voice cold and dead sounding...the green flash was so bright it blinded me...I felt my breath ripped from my lungs as I fell to my knees gasping as I stared at the corpse that had once been one of my best friends.

The silence rings in my ears. I can only stare at the man lying in a heap before me with blank eyes...I can't even breathe.

"Sirius!" Remus' voice cuts through the deafening silence, slamming me brutally back into the present, I find myself turning, as if in a dream and looking up at them. "What...what have you...?"

"I...I did it...f-for you." I find myself whispering, looking into James' wide eyes. "B-Because you shouldn't...you don't need to dirty your hands...n-not with this scum." I try to stand but the spell has drained me and I fall into the wall with a gasp, tipping my head back against it. "I'm sorry..."

"Sirius...what you have done...is a grave offence, not just against the law, but to your own soul!" Albus says softly.

I shake my head, chuckling slightly, my eyes never leaving James'. "My soul? I've killed countless people...You know I have, I did it on your orders."

"But the Avada Kedavra..." Remus begins slowly.

"It doesn't matter, does it? So long...so long as James is ok...and...and perhaps this can..." I stop as James takes two quick steps towards me, his hand raised as he slaps me firmly around the face.

"You stupid bastard!" He shouts. "What did you do that for? I wanted to watch him suffer! I wanted to make him understand half the pain he put me through and you...you make it easy for him? You idiot!"

I lower my head, letting my wand fall from numb fingers. "James...I thought..."

"You didn't think. You never do, Sirius."

He had venom in his voice and it was painful, so I let myself sink down the wall and sit there, unable to look at anyone. "I only...wanted to see you smile."

Twenty five is too old to be lying flat on your back as your best friend's fingers bruise your arms, It's too old to be crying while he fucks you and makes agony tear up your spine...it's much too old to be enjoying every fucking minute of it...

"Sirius..." James gasps, his eyes black in the darkness as his hips move fast and furious. His lips bruising mine in a deep kiss. He jerks his hips, causing a moan to be ripped from my throat, I arch my back into his body. He hasn't bothered removing his clothes, he never does. He just pulls down his jeans enough to push himself inside, seeming to enjoy my pain as he listens to me screaming for more. His fingers leave trails of pain across my skin, searing that same agony deep into my very soul. I can feel him, moving deep inside me and it's driving me insane...his lips, his tongue, his eyes...everything is so fucking perfect. My nails dig into his back, his movements begin to grow erratic and I know he's close. I move up, pushing him backwards as I sit in his lap and take control of the pace. I want to feel him come, I want to push him over the edge and see that cloudy blankness in his eyes that temporarily obscures the anger and hatred. I want to feel his body tense, his fingers tighten on my skin and leave tiny little bruises so I can wake up tomorrow and know it wasn't all a dream. I need proof. I need to feel him come deep inside my body...

"Come on James..." I gasp, tightening myself around him. "Come...come inside me..."

"Shut...shut up!" James hisses, his hand yanking my hair and dragging my face close as I lift myself up and down, loving the way the pain shoots through my scalp and straight into my groin. His body shudders and I can feel it, his kiss becomes sloppy and the hand that rests on my hip tightens so his nails dig into my skin leaving bloody crescents. "Shit!" He gasps, and throws his head back against the sofa.

I feel it. I tense around him, feeling his seed fill me as I clench my hands into fists on the back of the sofa and gaze intently at his face, recording everything, trying to secure this memory. And then it hits me...like a sword to the gut, it twists my insides violently and I cry his name over and over as ecstasy shatters me, white obscures everything, I'm blind but I don't care.

Afterwards he pulls out and leaves me there. I can hear Harry crying. I close my eyes as I lie on the sofa, panting and sweaty and I stay perfectly still for as long as I can...I know he wants me to leave, he always does afterwards. So I stand and gather my clothes, I pause as I stand at the door and listen to a quiet sobbing noise...a sound that doesn't belong to a child. As always I leave in silence. It always ends in silence. And I can't even remember why I continue to come back...

But I do.

I keep returning.

He hurts me. He's rough and brutal and its painful, but I can't leave him. I can't stop letting him fuck me. When I receive his owl I know that he's in pain, or angry or there's some other thing wrong and he wants me to come round so he can use me, so he can take all his frustration and pain out on me...and I can never, ever say no...because he's James.

And it's _always_ been James, from the moment he first smiled at me on the Hogwarts express all those years ago.


End file.
